I've been thinking about motherhood a lot lately. I have not yet been inducted into the club of ripening bellies and car seats, of bedtime stories and diaper changes. My womb has not yet quickened; there is no child with my hair. But, someday, hopefully soon, there will be.
Will I be a good mother? I lose my temper easily and am prone to stress and rapid frustration. Will I scream? Will I be cold, like my mother frequently was? Will I be overly doting and cater to my child's every whim as the antithesis of my childhood? More urgent in my mind, and more shameful, is my question of whether I can love a child at all. Am I capable of selflessness? Sure, I adore other people's babies, but will I resent my own? What if I find out I am having a girl when I am hoping for a boy? Will I secretly be devastated when I see the results on the ultrasound? Will I pretend to smile and be excited about having a daughter when I long for a son? How can I think this way?! Will I be overwhelmed by all that I have to do and resent my husband? Will I regret my decisions and long for the times when I was a free woman and could do whatever I pleased? I am a terrible person.
3 comments:
From what I remember with my sister's pregnancy (and her current) these questions and thoughts are COMPLETELY okay. I think you'll be a wonderful mom. I think you are so hard on yourself but you'll be amazing with a child.
Trust me love, just take it day by day. I hope whatever sex it is...it does end up having your hair! :)
I think I am afraid of having sons. I know girls. I can think like a girl. I don't know if I can handle the newness of a baby plus the added unknown of having a boy. I guess thats where Chad comes into the picture to help me figure it all out.
Yes I think all these things and we aren't even trying yet :)
My problem with having a daughter is that I want to break the chain that started with my grandmother. She is a cold woman and had a difficult time showing affection to her 18 children (yes, 18). My mother said that once they reached the age of 5, she stopped showing affection. She herself lost her mother at 13 and had to help raise her numerous younger siblings. My mother had to almost force herself at times to hug us. I cannot remember a time when my mother has ever said the words "I'm proud of you" or "You are so beautiful" to me. (Maybe on my wedding day she said the latter, but NEVER the former). Also, as a girl, I know what girls are like and I dont think I can handle it. I can't handle another drama queen when my life is already dramatic. I don't want the type of relationship I had with my mother (which has only recently been repaired).
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