No, no, no

So this might be my most honest post yet.
[Deep breath]

I have 5 days of the pill left in the pack we agreed I would take until it was finished. After said pack was empty, we would discuss whether or not to start a new one. Today we talked about it and it hit me: I don't want to stop taking the pill again. I don't want to get pregnant right now. I want things to stay the way they are. I am terrified of being pregnant and having a child. And I feel terribly guilty.

My reasons are mostly selfish:
1. I am afraid of losing my body to pregnancy and mommy flab
2. I am afraid of not being attractive to my husband and any other men.
3. I am afraid of the hormones taking over and me being even more psychotic/jealous/controlling than I already am.
4. I am afraid of the sleeplessness, the exhaustion, the lost of my "self" and individuality.
5. I am afraid of being stuck. (I know, Im a terrible person).

What if something happens and I leave him or he leaves me and I have our baby? I cant just move on with my life and go to culinary school or travel around the world to ease my pain--I have an eternal link to him.
I love him and I expect to love him forever, but these last few weeks have demonstrated that love is fragile and marriage is precarious. Two people can be driven to their edges and the dark side of the one you thought you knew surprises you. Our relationship feels too precarious right now for the life-long commitment of bringing life into the world to feel feasible.

Will I ever be ready? Who knows. For now, no baby.