Decisions...decisions...

I dont know what to do with my life. I'm married now, so my priorities have all changed. I am obsessed with plans, and I had a perfect one but now its all changed. Do I go to law school while my husband is in medical school? If so, how do we provide for ourselves? We dont want to wait four years until we have children, so how am I supposed to handle law school and taking the bar while having a child? What happens if I dont go to law school? Is this where my education stops? If so, will I regret it? How will we eat if I am pregnant and my husband is in med school and no one is working? And how do I decide? No one can answer these questions for me, therefore I am stuck.

True Love?

I need to know true, eternal, everlasting love exists. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE my husband (!!! husband!! Can you believe it??) and I know that he loves me (!!!! HE loves ME. Like, honestly, really, loves lil ol'me!!!), but with movies and sleezy politicians, its a little hard to believe that the gushy-mushy love we see in old movies really exists. Will there be a dramatic decrease in the number of old couples holding hands on the sidewalk forty years from now? (More important question: will we be one of those?). I worry--needlessly I know--about us growing old together. Will he stop being attracted to me when Im 40? 50? 60? Will he look for his "20" and fantasize about a girl half my age? I know this is all unfair to him because he has never given me reason to doubt. But Im not so much worried about him as I am the men of his generation. With the constant bombardment of sex and the way women continue to be demeaned in media and even society, how are they supposed to grow up to respect and love a woman and stay with her through the rest of their lives when temptations are so strong? Ok, confession time: (promise you wont think Im crazy) but sometimes I see married men and I wonder if they are faking it. Do they really love her? Do they really love that little boy they are slinging around their shoulders or is it all an act? And I dont need a psychologist to analyze why I feel that way. But its not His fault. I need to stop blaming Him for everything, its not healthy. Maybe one day when I have my own little boy, I will see my husband roll out of bed to change his diaper and know that its not an act (he doesnt get out of bed willingly). I have had to reprogram my brain, and its taking a long time to download. I mentally shake myself out of the negative thoughts that I try to creep in like little roots and entrench themselves in my psyche. Yes, Sharyl, he DOES love you for you. No, he will never cheat on you or mistreat you. Yes, he's married to you because he wants to be. Yes, he is happy. And yes, one day, he will be the father of your children and he will love them... and No, he wont abandon them or you. I see my father in-law with my mother in law, and my parents, and it gives me a shred of hope. They are mushy and sweet with each other and are incandescently happy. Despite the little demons in my subconscious, I too, am incandescently happy. I fight with them, and some days they are quieter and some days they almost consume me... but then I catch him looking at me and the corners of his eyes crinkle up in a smile and everything is right in the world.